I’m a Terrible Facebook Friend

I think I’m a member of every social network on the Internet. I have Facebooks, Myspaces, LinkedIn Groups, Walls, Tweets and Status Messages coming out of my ass. My old Geocities page and Delphi forums thing are probably still out there somewhere. I’m told that the Internet is the “Next Big Thing,” so I really want to be on board.

People send me cute little pictures of their Farmville vegetables, or stuff with flags in them that say “Top Ten Reasons Jesus was a Republican,” or whatever, and that’s fine. One guy consistently posts the most badass hair metal YouTube videos he can find, one on the hour, every hour. And, that’s terrific.

But I’m not good at these things. I don’t know how to use them, I don’t know what to write in 140 characters or less. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about all my old hometown friends, or my new big city friends, or whoever the rest of those people in my “Friends” column turn out to be. It just means I look at Facebook on my phone for a few minutes in the morning while I check emails, and I don’t have anything to say about your sister’s kid’s stupid dance recital photographs. Sorry, mom!

Anyway, I don’t want to rant about this. There’s no way I’d want to go back to feigning interest in people in person. I just want to say to everybody, if I’ve offended you because I couldn’t figure out how to “Like” your favorite American Idol contestant, it’s not because I don’t “Like” you, as a person.